Articles about relationships with one another and our ability to be in relationship with God.

If You Want Something Done Right…

I was guilty of finishing this sentence incorrectly; the common way: If you want something done right, do it yourself!.  But that is a sure fire way to end up overwhelmed and frustrated, surrounded by demoralized people. I grumbled it in the kitchen to my children (and my husband) and I said it to more than one colleague at work. Ouch! Thankfully, I learned not only to not say this out loud, but to not believe it in my heart. You see, even if you don’t utter these words, they will ooze out of your pores like the venom from rare toads in the Amazon. It reflects a heart condition of pride, piousness, and perfectionism. The proper way to complete this phrase is “If you want something done right, teach someone how to do it”. Now there is an impactful statement. Consider the following points as you begin to impart into those in your charge:

  1. You’ll have to repeat what you said – I was looking at the cooking utensils in my kitchen one day, and I wanted to complain about the improper placement of them. But instead I gently called for my youngest son and offered a “refresher orientation”. I would like to think that he would remember all the details I had meticulously taught him before, but then I remembered that repetition is a key principle in education…so I repeated the lesson. And, as a result,  I continued to have a helpful kitchen aid. Teachers don’t just teach on the first day of school.
  2. Not all teachers use a chalkboard – When we hear the word teach, we often think lecture and instruction. But don’t underestimate the value of modeling what and how something should be done. It took me years to realize that I was scrambling eggs wrong (to my liking) and it took watching my husband without instruction to realize that consistently perfect eggs require low heat and constant stirring…who knew?! Apparently, he did, but instead of lecturing me on the proper way to scramble eggs, he simply did it the way it should be done, and I caught on. Our actions speak volumes in the “classroom”.
  3. Consider your “student” in the lesson plan – Whether your student is your child, your spouse, or a member of your project team, you will get the best return on investment (ROI) of your time if you include them in the lesson planning. Consider their learning style: are they auditory (learn by listening), visual (learn by seeing), or tactile (learn by doing). This will make a difference in how they respond to you and should dictate your delivery…because as animal trainers say, “it’s never the animal’s fault”. Taking ownership of how the lesson is personalized will inspire your pupils to learn.

 

You can’t do it all…right! – There simply isn’t enough time in the day to do everything yourself. You can try, and you may even succeed in some areas. Anyone adopting this attitude is going to find themselves burning the candle at both ends. They won’t be able to keep up with the demands on their time, and their own quality will suffer. At work and at home, you may be able to do it all…but you can’t do it all right! And isn’t that the point?

Are You Part of the Solution?

Growing up, my aunt would ask my cousins and me “Are you part of the problem, or are you part of the solution?” Have you ever been asked this question? Even as a child, I knew that if the answer to this wasn’t “SOLUTION”, then I was in trouble. We all knew what was next: the statement of the problem and how WE could solve it. This method of questioning was a long-standing family secret (and my aunt will tell you that she got it from my mother). And if I needed help with the solution, that was often followed with “Look it up”.

I didn’t realize it then, but this self-leadership tactic became a model for how I would lead and develop my own children and those on my team. While this is a parenting tip, it applies to people form 6 to 66. As leaders, we reap 3 key benefits from utilizing this strategy:

  1. It creates independent thinkers – Ask yourself, “Do I want a team of people who do what I tell them to, or a team that knows what to do?” Of course the answer is the latter, but that only comes when people are allowed the room to think independently. When you’re a leader, it’s not beneficial that you point out the problem, but that you encourage your team to frame the problem, and thereby develop a solution. That is, unless you enjoy being the smartest one in the room, encourage critical thinking.
  2. They will have much more buy-in – You don’t have to sell someone on an idea they came up with. Your team will have more buy-in to a solution they created, so they’ll put it into practice without “force”. Don’t make the mistake of thinking rebellion ends with the “terrible two’s” or teens; adults on your team want to create their own plan…and you can just make sure they don’t set anything on fire.
  3. They will feel empowered – Empowerment is the antidote to defiance.And empowered team (and family) members contribute more and with a positive attitude. Try going through massive change with unempowered people…it’s no fun!
I love having people on my team who are independent, buy into solutions THEY create, and feel empowered. Now I feel like there are more benefits, though, so why don’t you ask yourself “the question”, and see if you come up with some added benefits. If you do, post them here.

When to Communicate from the Heart

We’ve learned that effective communication should come from the heart, and I wholeheartedly believe that (no pun intended). When trying to motivate, inspire or even just relay a simple message, speaking with compassion is usually the best way to go. I still remember how profound it was when I heard a conference speaker say that our EQ (Emotional Intelligence Quotient) is just as important as our IQ (Intelligence Quotient), and some thought leaders say it’s even more important.  It wasn’t a new idea, but it was new to me, and a refreshing reminder that I wasn’t alone in my quest to bring compassionate leadership into the workplace. But I’ll admit, it took some more digging to understand that it’s more than just being a “heart talker”. After years of applying this with my clients (and even at home), I have found that there are times when communicating from the heart is mission critical, and times when it should be avoided.

Here are 5 examples of when to Communicate from the Heart:

  1. There is already emotional noise on the line. If the person you are communicating with is noticeably emotional, consider matching (not countering) their emotion. Once the feelings in the room have subsided, you can proceed with the topic. While you may not be able to (or want to) validate their feelings, responding with empathy will allow them to collect themselves without being forced into premature acceptance. Statements like “I understand where you’re coming from” go a long way in working together.
  2. What you need to convey may be difficult to hear. Mary Poppins said it best (or should I say sang it best) “A spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down”. Speaking with warmth and compassion can help a team member receive some feedback that might not otherwise be heard. And the harder the message, the softer you want the heart that is delivering it. Yelling “You’re Fired” is good for TV ratings, but not so good for morale. Letting someone down easy is as much an art as it is a skill, and it takes practice. Delivery the news to yourself to prepare for the emotions the news may elicit.
  3. The problem is not clearly defined. Have you ever noticed that when people are trying to figure out WHAT caused a problem, they often skip to WHO caused the problem? This type of fact-finding-mission can get ugly quickly if those involved start off pointing fingers. If the analysis turns into a “witch hunt”, take a step back and interject some compassion and objectivity. Putting down the torch will not only calm the waters, it will help you and your team find a solution faster as cooler heads prevail.
  4.  Relationship AND results matter. It is an unfortunate reality that sometimes to get results, you may have to drive, scold, or correct people on your team. But this does not have to come at the cost of the relationship. When communicating that someone has done something you are in disagreement with, speaking from your heart can help preserve the relationship; using it is a teachable moment for everyone’s sake. Remind the person of things they have done well to reinforce the message that they matter, but don’t water down the problem so you can find an amicable solution.
  5.  Having casual conversation to set the tone. You don’t need to wait until you are engaged in “Crucial Conversations” to speak from your heart. In order to connect to those around you, find opportunities to have casual conversations that reveal and announce your humanity. Otherwise, speaking with compassion will be an indicator that something is wrong and will backfire on you. Being authentic doesn’t mean you have to bare your soul, but you should share your heart with those around you.
However,

if your heart is full of frustration, anger, or pain, you’ll want to revert to a matter-of-fact approach. Clouding a discussion with negative emotions is even more harmful than not interjecting positive ones into a neutral conversation. Be prepared to delay a conversation so your emotions won’t hijack it.

And in every case, check your heart BEFORE you speak from it. It is the spring from which all words flow! And as with all sound leadership advice, use this at home, too!

THE BASKETBALL GOAL

I had several errands to run today, but one of the most important of them was to buy another basketball goal for our backyard.  Yes, we have active boys (down to only 2 since our eldest 2 are “grown”) and they will both die if they can’t play.  Nevermind that it’s 100 degrees outside (we live in Houston).  But the reality is, I’m replacing the goal because our backyard basketball court is where we do ministry.  Youth ministry, marriage ministry, family ministry.  Over the past 11 years that we have been in our house, we have never not had a basketball goal.  It was a place that my husband and I would unwind and talk after a long day at work.  As the kids got older, it was a teaching ground for them.  Not just for dribbling, but for life.  Have you ever tried to get a teenage boy to open up about his feelings?  Well, put a basketball in his hand and offer to rebound for him and you can get instant conversation.  My husband has utilized this parenting technique with our boys, which has contributed to me spending more time watching them out the back window than actually playing with them.  Despite the fact that I’m no good at basketball (always been a runner, not too good with ball-sports), I enjoy playing with them.  I enoy the activity, but most importantly, I enjoy the time with my boys.  With their age differences, it is only in the past year or so that my husband and I can sit back and watch them play 2 on 2.  It is always fun watching our oldest (and most defiant) use the game to teach life lessons to his younger brothers.  And as I remind them often, God cares about basketball…it is sometimes just another way to bring His children together.

So, today I purchased our second goal in a year.  The previous one fell on it’s face because the water drained out of a leak in the base.  That goal sitting on the concrete slab like that looks like disaster has struck our house.  And in a way, it has.  The pasttime that has glued my family together for years is on hold until the assemblers come.  I hope they get here quick.